I Believe/One Year Later
EVERY NOW AND THEN, SOFT AS BREATH UPON MY SKIN, I FEEL YOU COME BACK AGAIN, AND IT'S LIKE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN GONE
A MOMENT FROM MY SIDE, LIKE THE TEARS WERE NEVER CRIED, LIKE THE HANDS OF TIME ARE HOLDING YOU AND ME, AND WITH ALL MY HEART
I'M SURE WE'RE CLOSER THAN WE EVER WERE. I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR OR SEE, I'VE GOT ALL THE PROOF I NEED, THERE ARE MORE THAN ANGELS
WATCHIING OVER ME. I BELIEVE, I BELIEVE.
THAT WHEN YOU DIE YOUR LIFE GOES ON, IT DOESN'T END HERE WHEN YOU'RE GONE. EVERY SOUL IS FILLED WITH LIGHT, IT NEVER
ENDS AND IF I'M RIGHT, OUR LOVE CAN EVEN REACH ACROSS ETERNITY. I BELIEVE, I BELIEVE, FOREVER, YOU'RE A PART OF ME, FOREVER,
IN THE HEART OF ME, AND I'LL HOLD YOU EVEN LONGER IF I CAN, THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T SEE THE MOST, SAY THAT I BELIEVE IN GHOSTS,
AND IF THAT MAKES ME CRAZY, THEN I AM, CAUSE I BELEIVE. THERE ARE MORE THAN ANGELS WATCHING OVER ME. I BELIEVE, I BELIEVE.
EVERY NOW AND THEN, SOFT AS BREATH UPON MY SKIN, I FEEL YOU COME BACK AGAIN, AND I BELIEVE!
March 30, 2003
That date, March 30, will be forever burned into my brain. It has been one year since I lost my precious son. In that
time frame, I have become two people. I am the mother with a hole in my heart, a hole that will never be mended or repaired.
I am the mother that walks aimlessly through what is left of my life, wailing that it is not fair that my son was taken
from me. I am the woman that will never be truly happy again, the woman behind the mask.I am the mother that still thinks
I could have done something, anything to prevent my son's death. I am the mother that will never forgive myself because I
let him die. Aren't mother's supposed to be able to save their children? Why, then, am I writing this now?
Then there is the other me.
I am the woman that tries not to sweat the small stuff. I am the woman that talks to God every day, and thanks him for
my blessings and my strife. I am the woman that appreciates life, and realizes how precious it truly is. I am the woman that
has fond memories of my little boy that turned into a tall young man. I am the woman that knows my son is in the best place
he can possibly be, in the hands of God. I am the woman that has learned valuable lessons, and is determined to live my life
in such a manner that one day I will be able to join my son and my grandson in heaven. I am the woman that has been blessed
with a relationship with God, and the woman that, for whatever reason, was chosen to walk the path that I am on. I am the
woman that is determined to walk that path with my God beside me, letting him carry me when I need to be carried, and wanting
to lead others to know his love.
I hope the day will come when the two people are melded into one, the time that the days of intense pain over the loss
of my son and grandson is replaced with the total knowledge that they are the lucky ones, they got to go home with God. I
am on my way, I just have to be patient with myself.
There are still days when I just want to lay down and die. Days when I want nothing more than to have one more day with
my son. Days when the pain is so intense that it is not only an emotional pain, but a physical one as well. There are triggers
everywere, places he used to work, go fishing, foods he used to like, clothes I want to buy for him, days when I reach
for the phone to call him and tell him something, only to realize that I can't do that. There are times I so vividly remember
the very last time I saw him, with tears pouring from his eyes, holding me so tight as he cried that he would never see me
again, and wishing that I had just held on forever and never let him go. Moments like right now, when the tears are blurring
my vision, and burning down my cheeks. But I have learned that I can let go, and let God. I know that as time passes on, pain
eases. It never goes away, but it eases, and I know, I BELIEVE, that John is walking beside me, watching over me, and always
will. John, I love you, I will miss you forever, but I will see you again. Until I get there, wait for me.........