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Missing John, Two Years Later

Notice the background for this page? Yes, it is missing. It is blank. I wanted this page to reflect how I am feeling two years later. Blank. Missing. My background, my son, is missing. There is a piece of my heart, my life, missing.

Whoever coined the oft repeated phrase, "Time heals all wounds" obviously never lost a child. Time will never heal my wound. I miss John more each day, each month, each year that passes me by. I say passes me by because that is exactly what is happening to my life. It is passing me by. The hurt, the unending pain and sorrow magnify each day. "Experts", and "wanna be experts" are quick to mete out advice, and let me know where I 'should' be in my grief journey. Believe me, I am not here because it is where I want to be! Who would choose this? I would choose to go back to the day my son was born, and start completely over, and do things completely different, starting with changing the environment that he grew up in. I will never forgive myself for what happened to my son. I can't even give you details that would make you understand what I am referring to, but one day I will. I have made resolutions to change my life circumstances, and once I have achieved that goal, I have a page to add to this website that will make the hair stand up on your head.
I miss my son with every breath I take. I miss him and love him every day. Every moment of every day. The person you see going through the motions of every day existence is not me. It is the shell that I reside in. I died two years ago, along with my son. I feel a little worse today than I did yesterday, and I will feel even worse tomorrow. To say that I am depressed doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg. I feel alone, so totally, utterly, absolutely ALONE. I have learned what to say to make it through, to keep the 'experts' off my back, and to live in my own little world. The world where feel like no one else misses him, or loved him like I did. John and I shared a bond of understanding of what we had been through that few others know about. That few others care about.
John, I miss you horribly! What in the world do I do now??????

Everything is crashing down,
right on top of me.
I have trouble breathing,
It's how my life has come to be.
There is an empty void,
where once there was my heart.
It once was full of life,
That ended when you did depart.
How can I be expected to go on?
How am I supposed to survive?
How do I achieve happiness,
when you are no longer alive?
How is it in heaven,
with all your cares cast aside?
How come I am here,
when up there you reside?
How come two years later,
I am left here all alone.
How come I can't be with you,
To see God sit on his throne?
How come I can't go on living,
How come I can't get past,
The pain and the sorrow,
Forever on earth they will last.
How come I lost my child, my son,
Why must I endure this every day.
Why did you die,
When others should pay?


When previewing this page before I published it, I almost deleted it. It sounds so self-pitying, so morbid that I had to think long and hard before I 'put it out there'. But this website has been my 'therapy' for the last two years, and I have been through many ups and downs, most of them reflected here, so I decided to leave it as it is.
I am going through a pretty rough time both personally and at work. Seems like the story of my life, all or nothing. I have been depressed since November, with Thanksgiving and Christmas, which are very hard. January is John's birthday, with February and Valentine's day in between, with MARCH following all of that. March is the dreaded month when I lost my son. I hear people at work pondering whether March will 'come in like a lion, and go out like a lamb'. March will forever 'go out like a lion' for me. Although I have no earthly reason to expect them to understand or even to remember, it cuts my heart wide open every time I hear them say this. I want to scream at them that March is the month my son died in, stop saying March! This is neither reasonable or fair to them, I know. But it is how it is, and I can't change that. Add to the fact that March is looming ahead of me, to the fact that I am feeling rather unappreciated for my contributions at work, and the fact that another associate basically 'slapped me in the face', so to speak for doing her job, which, by the way she asked me to do, and doing it rather well I might add, everything just compounds my loss. I cannot expect others to understand that everything is multiplied for me, hurt feelings, things that are said, that 'normal' people can just let roll off their backs just seem to balloon for me. It just magnifies my pain and grief. Throughout everything that I am going through, I am about to go into MARCH, that dreaded month, and the two year anniversary of my son's death. I have requested a week's vacation for the end of March, because there is no way I can stand to be a work, with no one remembering that I lost my son two years ago, March 30th. I wouldn't be able to get anything accomplished anyway. I will go through the day, alone at home with memories of the son that is no longer here.
Please bear with me................

March 25, 2004
Every now and then, days few and far between,
The storm clouds lift, and the sun can be seen.
I hear the birds singing, chirping out a song,
It's then that I realize, I'm exactly where I belong.
No, I did not choose this path that I was thrust upon,
Never would I chose to bury my only son.
But I know in my heart, through the loss and pain,
That John is in heaven, with much to gain.
He is residing peacefully, with no more strife to bear,
He is amongst the angels, being treated with tender care.
God hath not put upon me more than I can endure,
Though, at times I must admit, of this I'm not so sure.
But I am only human, and sometime I lose sight,
That our Heavenly Father leads us through the dark of night.
He never made a promise, He never gauranteed,
That life will ever be perfect, that we will never bleed.
But life is what we make of it, 'twas only lent to me,
I vow to accept the changes, God grant me the serenity.
I cannot bring back the life of my beloved son,
I cannot change what deed yesterday was done.
What I can do, each day I have left on this earth,
Is carry my son's spirit lovingly in my heart,
and know that it's not forever that we will be apart.
I have many blessings left here on this earth,
I have many reasons to celebrate with mirth.
I have an earthly daughter, and a heavenly son,
two wonderful grandsons, that could never be outdone!
I need to start counting my blessings, and rise above my pain,
While my losing my son was devastating, my loss is heaven's gain.
These two sayings have been with me for the past two years. They have brought me a great deal of comfort. I wish John and Cody had never died. If only........Why........., just to name a few. But I cannot change what has happened, I can only go on with life, accept it, learn the lessons God intended for me, and become stronger because of it. I will miss them only when I breathe, and will keep their memories alive forever. I have lost my son and grandson. I have to accept that the pain will never go away, that my life has been forever changed, but it has not ended. I will treasure the cherished memories that I have, and whether I want to or not, I will survive.

March 30, 2003
Below is an email that helped shape my day today. I copied it here because I wanted to share the good memories of John today, the second anniversary of his passing. The email is from my sister, and it simultaneously brought a smile to my face, and tears to my eyes.
John, I love and miss you, and I chose to have fond memories of you today, and not dwell on the pain. I know you are in heaven, and I will see you when it is my time. Until then, love, hugs and kisses I send to you today.
Here is a list of a few good things I remember about Jon.
1.  He was a good Dad
2.  He gave an abundance of love to the people he loved.
3.  He used to make up rhymes to the music of songs
4.  He was neat and clean
5.  He loved to dress up and talk about how he was "driving the women crazy"
I prayed for God to be close to you today and help you remember the good and celebrate Jons life instead of his death today.
I love you and I am with you today.    Love Janet

May 09, 2004
I missed you today, my beloved John,
It is Mother's Day, and you are gone.
On days like this, my loss compounds,
melancholy building in little mounds.
I put on my "brave" face, try to act normally,
I don't want to ruin the day for others, you see.
But inside my chest, my shattered heart
has nearly finished falling completely apart.
I looked for signs all the day long,
I guess looking too hard is what I did wrong,
'Cause I didn't see a single butterfly,
to pause on my shoulder as it fluttered by.
That's what you did for me last Mother's day,
and it carried me through the whole month of May.
When I first awoke on this Sunday morn',
my mood was instantly forlorn.
For what could remind a mother more starkly,
that her child is gone, with Mother's Day dawning darkly.
I try to go on, I try so hard to be brave, face the storm,
I try to live this life that is my new norm.
But days like today make me want to cave in to the pain,
and make me forget that there is sunshine after the rain.
I miss you so horribly, the sadness wells in my heart,
and makes me ask, "Why must we be so far apart????".
                                                      Bonnie Atkinson

November 23, 2004
My beloved son, here I sit missing you again. Two more days is Thanksgiving, and while I know I truly do have things to be thankful for, I am also feeling very bitter this season. No matter how far I come in this grief journey, I end up right back here, asking God "Why?". "Why my son, God?" I want to wail and scream at the unfairness of it all. All I can think about is what started it all, and I will never forgive myself for not taking you away. I know if I had, you would be here with me today. I will live the rest of my life regretting that. I am so sorry, son. I can only pray that you forgive me, because I cannot forgive myself.
'Tis the season once again, please fast forward to spring!