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Jill's Story


Jill, John will never be "without you", you are forever a part of him, as he is of you. His spirit will always be in your and Bradley's hearts. The message following the cursor is for you. I love you, Jill.           

(Sixx, Mars)

Without you, there's no change
My nights and days are grey
If I reached out and touched the rain
It just wouldn't feel the same

Without you, I'd be lost
I'd slip down from the top
I'd slide down so low
Girl you'd never, never know...

Without you, without you
A sailor lost at sea
Without you, woman
The world comes down on me

Without you in my life
I'd slowly wilt and die
But with you by my side
You're the reason I'm alive
But with you in my life
You're the reason I'm alive
But without you, without you...

Without you, my hope is small
Let me be me all along
You let the fires rage inside
Knowing someday I'd grow strong



I could face a mountain
But I could never climb alone
I could start another day
But how many, just don't know
You're the reason the sun shines down
And the nights, they don't grow cold
Only you that I'll hold when I'm young
Only we grow old


Hello Bonnie!

       its me Marc Jill's brother . I read your site and it touched my heart
alot . Even though I never really knew to much about John . I will always
remember those times we hung out while he was up here . He was an awesome guy
to hang out with .I just wish I knew of his addiction before he came up here.
Then I could have helped steer him clear of those drugs. I feel that if I
knew about it I could have saved him that day!.He came over that morning
right after I came home from work.Which I thought was odd for him to be
coming by so early.He told me he was up all night drinking ,but I never
realized he was also doing other drugs.I suspected but I wasn't sure.I wish I
knew because when he fell asleep .I tried to wake him before I went to take
my nap.I shook him and tried to wake him but he was just snoring away!!.So I
figured he was just to drunk ..So I left him alone to sleep off his buzz..I
wish I didn't let him sleep .I think alot about that day.Because I feel like
I was the only one that could have saved him that day.I know its not my fault
, but I do miss your son and I wish he was still around . I liked him when I
met him and he will always be a great kid in my book.Even some of my friends
miss his stories.John always had something funny to say or cool story to
listen to.Well anyway my heart goes out to you and all the family John left
behind .Not only did you lose your son ,I lost friend .I will always remember
John. He will always have a place in my heart.All I can do now is pray for
him and hope he is at peace now. Well I am off to bed now . so I will end
this by saying " I wish you and everyone the best of luck" and I promise to
watch over my sister and Bradly as much as I can to make sure no evil or harm
will ever come their way.Bradly is an awesome kid and promise he will only
hear good things from me  about his Dad as he grows  up. John was good guy
caught up in the poison of this crazy world .All we can do is tell his story
and hope other people listen. Maybe we can save a few more lives .

Sincerely with love Marc!!  Edit

Well, this is my story. I grew up in New Bedford, MA. It was just my mom and us four kids, after my dad left us. When I started getting about 14 yrs old, I think I really begun my search for LOVE and my true meaning in life. I always felt that I belonged somewhere, but didn't know where that was. I'd get close to people and it always seemed as though they'd always go away. I had this love inside me, and I just didn't know where it belonged. At about the age 18, I had lost myself. Suddenly, everything seemed like it was crashing down on me. I felt like,"if life wasn't working the way I am now, I should change everything about myself". I started doing things that just wasn't me. I never did get into "drugs", but I did foolish things that I'll alway regret. I brought myself so far down, that I realized I needed to stop.  I started to tell myself "STOP, WHAT ARE YOU DOING". Right at the point that there was nothing left around here for me, I went on what was supposed to be just a visit to Virginia with a friend who was going there to visit family. It was around May of 1997 wen we left. The first house we went to when we got there was Johns. We grew close in that first day, running off and just talking to each other about our pain. By June 1'st, we started to date. I would walk miles and miles just to be able to see him. I was never aware of his addiction in the beginning, and if I had, I would have left VA and came back home. We went through some horrable times together and I we stuck together through all of them. After the bad accident we were in, I didn't get verry badly hurt, but I sat by his side in the hospital for a week and never left. That was when I found about his doing crack. He swore that he hated it and that he was never going to touch that crap again. It seemed that was true. He was a really beautiful person inside. We didn't really get a chance to do many fun things together, working to make a life, but when we did, we were so happy and enjoyed every bit. After a year of being together, we had a baby boy Bradley on June 10, 1998. Things seemed normal up untill a little after the yr. 2000. John started dissappearing and money too. I never realized what was going on. He would ask me for help without telling me the truth of his addiction. He told me he had a gambling problem and not to let him go out by himself. He thought that would help and of course it didn't. He was getting on it so bad that he was staying out all night and running out of reasons why the money was gone. I loved him so mutch that I didn't have a reason not to believe in him. I begun to see so mutch pain in his eyes. He was so torn up about what he was doing and yet still didn't know how to stop. Finally he came to me and told me what he had been doing. Apparently, he had never stopped. I was ready to hold my breath and walk away,but when he promised he'd get help, I just couldn't go. He went and got help and things seemed like they would be ok, but he was just once again hiding it. So ashamed of the fact that he couldn't beet it. Not knowing that he was already back on it, I knew he was fighting a constant, everyday battle to stay away from it. He tried so hard to give us everything. The nights that he was gone, I'd sit there and stare out into the dark field and see us sitting in a green grassy area. It was so beautiful. It was our future. Then, I'd hear ambulences go by and get scared, not knowing where he was or if he was hurt. Then I'd cry myself to sleep. But, he'd always come home and I'd adventually get over it and be happy to have the moments with him that I did. When we came back here to MA to try to start life clean and fill our dreams of growing old together and having a home and great life, disaster struck. Instead of leaving the stuff behind, he found it again here almost right away. We had only been here into the second week and my brother gave my mom the heart-stopping phone call. John went there after being out all night getting cracked up and fell asleep on my brothers couch. He never woke up. My brother went to wake him up and realized that he was gone. He had no idea that John had been out all night doing drugs. I look out the window at night like I did when he would stay out all night and feel like I'm still waiting for John to come home. Although, I know deep down that he never will again. We had so many special times together among all the hard times, I can think back on them and stop the tears for a while. If I could go back, I'd never change a thing cause God sent me to him and every moment, good or bad was special. Love was what John needed and I gave that to him for the last 41/2 years of his life. I love you John. 


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